All of us have been in this dilemma. Your favorite team blows. It’s not a big deal, it happens all the time. You’re obviously not going to stop rooting for them, but you kind of need some hope in your life so you decide to adopt a secondary team. This secondary team doesn’t become your favorite, you don’t get to talk smack if they win, and you don’t get to wear their jersey. You just become an observer. You get to slightly smile when they win, and you shrug your shoulders when they lose. I know you’re thinking “but Jerry, how do I know which team to root for now that my team is a dumpster fire?” That’s why I’m creating this guide to picking your secondary team.
(You could really use these rules to choose a team if you don’t have one yet)
Rule #1: No losing teams.
You’re here because your team sucks. You don’t want to adopt another terrible team. I’m an Eagles fan, and while we are somehow in 1st Place in the NFC East, we’re also 1-2-1.
Teams left for me: Patriots, Bills, Chiefs, Raiders, Steelers, Ravens, Browns, Titans, Colts, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams, 49ers, Bears, Packers, Buccaneers, Saints, Panthers
Rule #2: No Super Bowl wins within the last decade
You don’t want to be labeled a front-runner. No one likes someone who gloms onto the winner. Find a team that is somewhat of an underdog!
Teams left for me: Bills, Raiders, Steelers, Browns, Titans, Colts, Cardinals, Rams, 49ers, Bears, Buccaneers, Panthers
Rule #3: No one in your division
You can’t root for someone that plays your team twice a year. You should hate everyone in your division.
This doesn’t actually rule any teams out for me because they were already eliminated due to Rule #1.
Rule #4: Opposite Conference
It’s best to choose someone in the Conference that your favorite team is not. It’s just less messy that way.
Teams left for me: Bills, Raiders, Steelers, Browns, Titans, Colts
Rule #5: Obnoxious Fanbases
Look at your remaining teams. Do any of the teams left have large, obnoxious fanbases? Do you know anyone who is a fan of that team? Are they a bag of garbage? Then rule out their team.
Teams left for me: Titans, Colts
Rule #6: The Pandemic Rule
Have any of your remaining teams had to postpone games because 22 or more of their players tested positive for COVID-19? Then they’re out.
Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts! You’re now my secondary team! They have a tough defense (which I love), a Hall of Fame QB who was released and left for dead by their last team (I love a redemption story), and their defensive coordinator lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl victory! I hope this helps all of you losers out there pick a team that can keep you sane this football season!
– No Tom Brady
-No local teams